25 signs you’ve had too much to drink
1)You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2) You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
3) Job interfering with you’re drinking.
4) Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5) Career won’t progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
6) The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7) Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case - coincidence?
9) Two hands and just one mouth… - now THAT’S a drinking problem!
10) You can focus better with one eye closed.
11) The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
12) Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
13) Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
14) Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
15) At AA meetings you begin: “Hi, my name is… uh…”
16) Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
17) The whole bar says ‘Hi’ when you walk in.
18) You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women
19) Every night you’re beginning to find your roommate’s cat more and more attractive.
20) Roseanne looks good.
21) Don’t recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
22) That stupid pink elephant followed me home again.
23) Senator’s Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
24) “I’m as jobber as a sedge.”
25) The shrubbery’s drunk from too frequent watering.
Get Away From my Deer!
It was Saturday morning and Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. Jake asks her, 揥hat are you up to??Alice smiles, 揑’m going hunting with you!?Jake, though he has many reservations, reluctantly decides to take her along.
They arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: 揑f you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I’ll come running back as soon as I hear the shot.?Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn’t bag an elephant — much less a deer.
But not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, 揋et away from my deer!?Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, 揋et away from my deer!? followed by another volley of gunfire.
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, 揙kay, lady, okay!You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!?
Par For The Course
A couple was on their honeymoon, laying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, “I have a confession to make, I’m not a virgin.”
The husband replies, “That’s no big thing in this day and age.”
The wife continues, “Yeah, I’ve been with one other guy.”
“Oh yeah? Who was the guy?”
“Arnold Palmer.”
“Arnold Palmer the golfer?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, he’s rich famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.”
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
“What are you doing?” says the wife.
The husband replies, “I’m hungry. I was going to call room service and get some food.”
“Arnie wouldn’t do that.”
“Oh yeah? What would Arnie do?”
“He would come back to bed and do it a second time.”
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
“What are you dong?” she says.
The husband replies, “I’m still hungry so I was going to order room service to get some food.”
“Arnie wouldn’t do that.”
“Oh yeah? What would Arnie do?”
“He’d come back to bed and do it one more time.”
The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time.
When they finish he’s tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, “Are you calling room service?”
“NO! I’m calling Palmer to find out what’s par for this hole!”