There was a group of scientists and they were all sitting around discussing which one of them was going to go to God and tell Him that they didn’t need him anymore.
One of the scientists volunteered and went to go tell God he was no longer needed.
The scientist says to God - “God, you know, a bunch of us have been thinking and I’ve come to tell you that we really don’t need you anymore. I mean, we’ve been coming up with great theories and ideas, we’ve cloned sheep, and we’re on the verge of cloning humans. So as you can see, we really don’t need you.”
God nods understandingly and says. “I see. Well, no hard feelings.
But before you go let’s have a contest. What do you think?”
The scientist says, “Sure. What kind of contest?”
God: “A man-making contest.”
The scientist: “Sure! No problem”.
The scientist bends down and picks up a handful of dirt and says, “Okay, I’m ready!”
God replies, “No, no, no… You go get your own dirt.”
Puns Contest- There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the...
Beauty Contest-Q. Medusa and a blonde enter a beauty contest. Who wins?
A. Medusa...
COMPUTER PROGRAMMER CONTEST-Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who in the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours...
Poetry Contest-The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given...
Jesus vs Satan- Jesus and Satan have an extended argument as to who is the better computer programmer. Finally, they agree to...
Jesus Saves-Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours...
Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest…-Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has...
Redneck Poetry- The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University...
REALLY DUMB Joke- There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.
He sent in ten different puns, in the hope...
ONE EYED MAN-If they put my ass and your face in a beauty contest the crowd would stand up and cheer for...
Wilma and her husband Barney go to church every Sunday, and during the service Barney falls asleep. One afternoon Wilma goes to the priest and asks what she can do. The priest hands her a needle and tells her to prick him with it everytime he falls asleep.
The next week at church Barney falls asleep while the priest is talking and when the priest asks who is our savior? Wilma pokes him with the needle and he yells out JESUS!!Soon after that he goes back to sleep. The next question the priest asks is: Who is Jesus’s Father? Wilma pokes him with the needle and Barney yells out GOD!!and goes back to sleep. The last question the priest asks is what did Eve say to Adam after he impregnated her for the 99th time? Wilma pricks him with the needle again and he yells:IF YOU POKE THAT DAMN THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I’LL SNAP IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ARSE!!
Sleeping at Church-One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I...
What’s your religion?-I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump...
Man On Bridge- I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the
edge, about to jump...
Quiet In Church- Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.
Finally,...
Dead Ringer, Part II- With the hunchback still dead, and his no-armed replacement still dead, the church leader still needs a bell ringer....
Sunday School Comedy!- A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day...
You know you’re in the wrong church when…- TOP TEN WAYS YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN A BAD CHURCH
10. The church bus has gun racks.
9. The church staff...
Overcrowded church-The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start...
Signs seen near church-The following are actual signs found on church property.
"No God-No Peace. Know God-Know Peace."
"Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"...
The devil’s wife!- A preacher was giving a sermon to a full church when all of a sudden the devil appeared. He...
Now I lay me down to sleep;
Leave a message at the beep.
If I die before I wake,
Remember to erase the tape.
Answering machine message 03-You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all...
Answering machine message 200-(Classical music:) This is our answering machine. (Switch to heavy metal racket:) This is our answering machine on drugs. (Silence...)...
Answering machine message 31-Due to the large number of complaints regarding the length of our previous answering machine message, we made a few...
Answering machine message 111-1: Hi, you've reached Bob and Faisal's room.
2: (Background:) What are you doing?
1: I'm recording an answering machine message.
2: But...
Answering machine message 106-Hitchhikers Guide theme: The Cerius Cybernetic Corporation was happy to correct the problem of all that icky person-to-person conversation that...
Answering machine message 159-This is Dan Cassidy's answering machine. Please leave your name and number, and after I've doctored the tape, your message...
Answering machine message 215-I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know this is an answering machine? Maybe it's...
Answering machine message 17-I'm sorry but my answering machine is out of order. I am leaving a broken CD player in its place....
Answering machine message 236-Hello, this is Marlin's answering machine reminding you that yesterday was the last day of the previous period of your...
Answering machine message 25-1: I didn't expect an answering machine.
2: Nobody expects an answering machine.
1: Our chief use is to get your name....
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