“Virtual” means never knowing
“Virtual” means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.
Y0K Problem
If you think you have problems, consider the problems of Plutonius Maximus
Translation from Latin 21 Scroll
Dear Cassias
Are you working on the Y zero K problem? This change from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven’t much time left. I don’t know how people will cope with working the wrong way round. Having been working happily downwards for ever, now we have to start thinking upwards.. You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier and not left us to sort it out at the last minute.
I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn’t done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar. He could see why Brutus turned nasty. He called in Consultus, but he simply said that continuing downward using minus BC won’t work, and as usual charged a fortune for doing nothing useful.
Surely we won’t have to throw out all our hardware and start again? Machard will make yet another fortune out of this I suppose. The money lenders are paranoid of course! I have been told that usery rates will invert and they will have to pay their clients to take out loans! It’s an ill wind.
As for myself, I just can’t see the sand in the hourglass flowing upwards. We have heard that there are three wise men in the East who are working on the problem, but unfortunately they won’t arrive until it’s all over. I have heard that there are plans to stable all horses at midnight as there are fears that they will stop and try to run backward’s, causing immense damage to chariots and possible loss of life.
Some say the World will end at the moment of transition. Anyway, we are still continuing to work on the blasted Y0K problem. I will send you a parchment if anything further develops. If you should have any bright ideas, please let me know.
Plutonius Maximus
The Internet Explained
The Internet Explained
(This is a VERY long joke - but quite amusing)
NOTE: This is a pretty long piece, but we figured that if you’re stuck in the office or at home for the weekend, you have some time to kick back and read. It’s really good
So here it is - The Internet Explained
Q. What, exactly, is the Internet?
A. The Internet is a worldwide network of university, government,
business, and private computer systems.
Q. Who runs it?
A. A 13-year-old named Jason.
Q. How can I get on the Internet?
A. The easiest way is to sign up with one of the popular
commercial”on-line” services, such as Prodigy, CompuServe, or America
Online, which will give you their program disks for free. Or, if you just
leave your house unlocked, they’ll sneak in some night and install their
programs on your computer when you’re sleeping. They really want your
business.
Q. What are the benefits of these services? A. The major benefit is that
they all have simple, “user-friendly” interfaces that enable you-even if
you have no previous computer experience-to provide the on-line services
with the information they need to automatically put monthly charges on your
credit card bill forever.
Q. What if I die?
A. They don’t care.
Q. Can’t I cancel my account?
A. Of course! You can cancel your account at anytime.
Q. How?
A. Nobody has ever been able to find out. Some of us have been trying for
ears to cancel our on-line service accounts, but no matter what we do,
the charges keep appearing on our bills. We’re thinking of entering the
Federal Witness Protection Program.
Q. What if I have children?
A. You’ll want an anesthetic, because it really hurts.
Q. No, I mean: What if my children also use my Internet account?
A. You should just sign your house and major internal organs over to
the on-line service right now.
Q. Aside from running up charges, what else can I do once I’m connected
to an on-line service?
A. Millions of things! An incredible array of things! No end of things!
Q. Like what?
A. You can … ummmm … OK! I have one! You can chat.
Q. Chat?
A. Chat.
Q. I can already chat. I chat with my friends.
A. Yes, but on the Internet, which connects millions of people all over
the entire globe, you can chat with total strangers, many of whom are
boring and stupid!
Q. Sounds great! How does it work?
A. Well, first you decide which type of area you wish to chat in. Some
areas are just for general chatting, and some are for specific interest
groups, such as Teens, Poets, Cat Lovers, Religious People, Gays, Gay
Teens Who Read Religious Poetry to Cats, and of course Guys Having
Pointless Arguments About Sports. At any given moment, an area can
contain anywhere from two to dozens of people, who use clever fake
names such as “ByteMe2″ so nobody will know their real identities.
Q. What are their real identities?
A. They represent an incredible range of people, people of all ages, in
all kinds of fascinating fields from scientists to singers, from writers
to wranglers, from actors to athletes - you could be talking to almost
anybody on the Internet!
Q. Really?
A. No. You re almost always talking to losers and hormone-crazed
13-year-old boys. But they pretend to be writers, wranglers, scientists,
singers, etc.
Q. What do people talk about in chat areas? A. Most chat-area discussions
revolve around the fascinating topic of who is entering and leaving the
chat area. A secondary, but equally fascinating, topic is where everybody
lives. Also, for a change of pace, every now and then the discussion is
interrupted by a hormone-crazed 13-year-old boy wishing to talk dirty to
women. To give you an idea of how scintillating the repartee can be, here’s
a re-creation of a typical chat area dialogue (do not read this
scintillating repartee while operating heavy machinery):
LilBrisket: Hi everybody
Wazootyman: Hi LilBrisket
Toadster: Hi Bris
Lungftook: Hi B
LilBrisket: What’s going on?
Toadster: Not much
Lungftook: Pretty quiet
(LONGISH PAUSE)
Wazootyman: Anybody here from Texas?
LilBrisket: No
Toadster: Nope
Lungftook: Sorry
(LONGISH PAUSE)
UvulaBob: Hi everybody
Toadster: Hi UvulaBob
Lungftook: Hi Uvula
LilBrisket: Hi UB
Wazootyman: Hi U
UvulaBob: What’s happening?
LilBrisket: Kinda slow
Toadster: Same old same old
Lungflook: Pretty quiet
Jason56243837: LilBrisket, take off your panties
LilBrisket: OK, but I’m a man
(LONGISH PAUSE)
Wazootyman: UvulaBob, are you from Texas?
UvulaBob: No.
(LONGISH PAUSE)
Lungftook: Well, gotta run.
Toadster.- ‘bye, Lungflook
LilBrisket: Take ‘er easy, Lungster
Wazootyman: See ya around, Lung
UvulaBob: So long, L
(LONGISH PAUSE)
PolypMaster: Hi everybody
LilBrisket: Hey, PolypMaster
Toadster: Yo, Polyp
UvulaBob: Hi, P
PolypMaster: What’s going on?
LilBrisket: Not much
Toadster: Pretty quiet
UvulaBob: Kinda slow …
And so it goes in the chat areas, hour after riveting hour, where the
ideas flow fast and furious, and at any moment you could learn some
fascinating nugget of global-network information, such as whether or
not PolypMaster comes from Texas.
Q. I’ve heard that people sometimes use Internet chat areas to have
“cybersex.” What exactly is that?
A. This is when two people send explicitly steamy messages to each other,
back and forth, back and forth, faster and faster, hotter and hotter,
faster and faster and hotter and harder and harder until OHHHH GODDDDDDDD
they suddenly find that they have a bad case of sticky keyboard, if you get
my drift.
Q. That’s disgusting!
A. Yes.
Q. Could you give an example?
A. Certainly:
Born2Bone: I want you NOW
HunniBunni: I want YOU now
Born2Bone: I want to take off your clothes
HunniBunni: Yes! YES!
Born2Bone: I’m taking off your clothes
HunniBunni: OH YESSSS
(LONGISH PAUSE)
HunniBunni: Is something wrong?
Born2Bone: I can’t unhook your brassiere
HunniBunni: I’ll do it
Born2Bone: Thanks. Oh my god! I’m touching your, umm, your…
HunniBunni: Copious bosoms?
Born2Bone: Yes! Your copious bosoms! I’m touching them!
HunniBunni: YES!
Born2Bone: Both of them!
HunniBunni: YESSS!!
Born2Bone: I’m taking off your panties!
HunniBunni: You already did.
Born2Bone: Oh, OK. You’re naked! I’m touching your entire nakedness!
HunniBunni: YESSSSSS!!!
Wazootyman: Anybody here from Texas?
Born2Bone: No
HunniBunni: No
Born2Bone: I am becoming turgid in my manfulness!
HunniBunni: YES! YES YOU ARE!! YOU ARE A BULL! YOU ARE MY GREAT BIG RAGING
BULL STALLION!
Wazootyman: Hey, thanks
HunniBunni: Not you
Born2Bone: I AM A STALLION! I AM A RAGING, BULGING BULL STALLION, AND I AM
THRUSTING MY … MY … ummm …
HunniBunni: Your love knockwurst?
Born2Bone: YES! I AM THRUSTING MY LOVE KNOCKWURST INTO YOUR … YOUR…
HunniBunni: Promise you won’t laugh?
Born2Bone: Yes
HunniBunni: My passion persimmon
Born2Bone: Ha ha!
HunniBunni: You promised!
Born2Bone: Sorry. OK, here goes: I AM THRUSTING MY MASSIVE KNOCKWURST OF
LOVE
INTO YOUR PASSION PERSIMMON! HunniBunni: YES! YES! YES!
Born2Bone: OHHH! IT FEELS SO GOOD!! I FEEL POWERFUL!!
HunniBunni: YOU ARE POWERFUL, BORN2BONE!! I FEEL YOUR POWER INSIDE ME!!!
Born2Bone: IT FEELS LIKE, LIKE …
HunniBunni: Like what?
Born2Bone: IT FEELS JUST LIKE, OHMIGOD … OHMIGOD …
HunniBunni: TELL ME, BORN2BONE!! TELL WHAT IT FEELS LIKE!!
Born2Bone: OH LORD IT FEELS LIKE… IT FEELS LIKE WHEN I BREAK A TIE VOTE IN
THE SENATE!
HunniBunni: What did you say?
Born2Bone: Whoops
HunniBunni: It feels like when you break a tie vote in the Senate?
Born2Bone: Umm, listen, what I meant was …
HunniBunni: This is you, isn’t it, Al? ISN’T IT?? YOU JERK!!! YOU TOLD ME YOU
WERE ATTENDING A STATE FUNERAL THIS AFTERNOON!!!
Born2Bone: Tipper?
HunniBunni.- Whoops
Q. Aside from chatting, what else can I do on the Internet? A. You can join
one of the thousands of forums wherein people, by posting messages, discuss
political topics of the day.
Q. Like what?
A. Barry Manilow.
Q. There’s a forum for Barry Manilow?
A. There’s a forum for everything.
Q. What happens on these forums?
A. Well, on the Barry Manilow forum, for example, fans post messages about
how much they love Barry Manilow, and other fans respond by posting
messages about how much they love Barry Manilow, too. And then sometimes
the forum is invaded by people posting messages about how much they hate
Barry Manilow, which in turn leads to angry countermessages and vicious
name-calling that can go on for months.
Q. Just like junior high school!
A. But even more pointless.
Q. Are there forums about sex?
A. Zillions of them.
Q. What do people talk about on those?
A. Barry Manilow.
Q. No, really.
A. OK, they talk about sex, but it is not all titillating. Often you’ll
find highly scientific discussions that expand the frontiers of human
understanding.
Q. It is a beautiful thing, the Internet.
A. It is.
Q. What is the “World Wide Web”?
A. The World Wide Web is the multimedia version of the Internet, where you
can get not only text but also pictures and sounds on a semi-infinite
range of topics. This information is stored on “Web pages,” which are
maintained by companies, institutions, and individuals. Using special
software, you can navigate to these pages and read, look at, or listen
to all kinds of cool stuff.
Q. Wow! How can I get on the Web?
A. It’s easy! Suppose you’re interested in buying a boat from an
Australian company that has a Web page featuring pictures and
specifications of its various models. All you have to do is fire up
your World Wide Web software and type in the company’s Web page address,
which will probably be an intuitive, easy-to-remember string of characters
like this
Q. What if I type one single character wrong?
A. You will launch U.S. nuclear missiles against Norway.
Q. Ah.
A. But assuming you type in the correct address, you merely press
Enter, and there you are!
Q. Where?
A. Sitting in front of your computer waiting for something to happen.
It could take weeks. Entire new continents can emerge from the ocean
in the time it takes for a Web page to show up on your screen. Contrary to
what you may have heard, the Internet does not operate at the speed of
light; it operates at the speed of the Department of Motor Vehicles..
It might be quicker for you to just go over to Australia and look at
the boats in person.
Q. Does that mean that the World Wide Web is useless?
A. Heck no! If you’re willing to be patient, you’ll find that you can
utilize the vast resources of the Web to waste time in ways that you
never before dreamed possible.
Q. For example?
A. For example, recently I was messing around with a “Web browser,” which
is a kind of software that lets you search all of cyberspace - millions
of documents for references to a specific word or group of words. You
can find pretty much everything that anybody has ever written on the
Internet about that topic; it’s an incredibly powerful research tool.
Q. That is truly beautiful.
A. Yes. And it’s just one teensy little piece, one infinitesimally tiny
fraction, of the gigantic, pulsating, mutating, multiplying mass of stuff
out there on the Internet. Sooner or later, everything is going to be on
there somewhere. You should be on there, too. Don’t be afraid! Be like the
bold explorer Christopher Columbus, (E-mail address:
ChrisCol@nina,pinta&santamaria.ahoy) setting out into uncharted waters,
fearful of what
you might encounter, but also mindful of the old inspirational maritime
saying: “If you don’t leave the land, then you’ll probably never have a
chance to get scurvy and develop anemia, spongy gums, and bleeding from
the mucous membranes.”
So come on! join me and millions of others on this exciting CyberFrontier,
with its limitless possibilities for the enhancement of knowledge and the
betterment of the human race!
Wazootyman is waiting for you.