Doctors’ Notes
The following quotes were allegedly taken from actual medical records dictated by physicians.
“By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.”
“Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.”
“On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.”
“She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.”
“The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983 Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.”
“I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.”
“The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.”
“Discharge status: Alive but without permission.”
“The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.”
“Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.”
“The patient refused an autopsy.”
“The patient has no past history of suicides.”
“The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.”
“Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.”
“The patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.”
“She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.”
“The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.”
“The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.”
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
“The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.”
“Since she can’t get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up.”
“She is numb from her toes down.”
“While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.”
“The skin was moist and dry.”
“Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.”
“Coming from Detroit, this man has no children. Patient was alert and unresponsive.”
“When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.”
“MD during a physical exam, stated, in my ears, “I am unable to arouse this woman”, personally, I really don’t think he should have bragged about it.”
Computer Diagnosis
One day Bill complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor.” His friend offered, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and much cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.”
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don’t stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.
Feeling Blue
“What’s wrong with me, doc?” asks the patient. “My balls have turned blue!”
The doctor examines him and says his testicles have to be removed, or else he’ll die.
“I can’t let you do that!” the patient cries.
“Do you want to die?” the doctor asks. So the patient glumly consents to have his balls removed.
Two weeks later the patient returns. “Doc, now my penis has turned blue!”
The doctor examines him and reaches the same conclusion: his penis must go.
The man begins to cry. “How will I pee?”
“Simple. We’ll install a plastic pipe and that will do the trick,” says the doctor. “You don’t want to die, do you?”
Again, the man sadly consents to the procedure.
Two weeks later, the man returns again. “Doc! The pipe turned blue! What the hell is happening to me?”
“Well, I’m not really sure,” admits the doctor. “Wait… do you wear jeans?”