Texas
A cowboy has been travelling through the desert for days,tired,hungry and thirsty he come across a little town,now he doesnt realise this town is well known for robbing strangers of there possesions.
So he see’s the saloon,ties his horse up and goes in and orders some food and drink.
After filling his belly and quenching his thirst he exits the bar,and to his shock his horse is gone!
The cowboy is very angry and goes back in pulls his gun and perfectly shoots the tops of 10bottles of beer and say’s “listen you people if my horse is not outside in 30mins,i will have to do what i did in TEXAS please dont make me do that”,so he sits back down,has a drink waits 15min and pulls his gun again and say’s “you only have 15mins left”he then shoots the tops of 20 bottles perfectly,well after the 15 min he goes outside and alas there is his horse,he’s really happy gets on the horse and is about to ride off when all the people come running out and say “hey mr what happened in Texas”
the cowboy replies”i had to walk home”!
Duck shopper
A duck walks in to a drug store and asks for a condom.
The sales person comes back with the condom and says “Put this on your bill sir” to which the duck replies “what do you think I’M a dickhead!”
UK Insurance Claims
And Americans think you have a monopoly on traffic problems and the twist and turns of insurance claim forms…
Here are some from the UK
Below are actual insurance claim form gaffs. They were originally sent out at Christmas 95 as an internal e-mail within the company concerned but they have escaped.
“I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.”
“A car drove away at speed catching our client who went up in the air and his head went through the windscreen and then rolled off at the traffic lights a good few feet away. The car then sped off and miraculously our client remained conscious and managed to cross the road.”
“I am responsible for the accident as I was miles away at the time.”
“I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket.”
Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Travelled by bus?
“I had one eye on a parked car, another on approaching lorries, and another on the woman behind”.
“I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard.”
“On the M6 I moved from the centre lane to the fast lane but the other car didn’t give way.”
“On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke.”
“Three men approached me from the minibus. I thought they were coming to apologise. Two of the men grabbed hold of me by my arms and the first slapped me several times across the face. I kneed the man in the groin but didn’t connect properly so I kicked him in the shin.”
A customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were:
Q - What warning was given by you?
A - Horn
Q - What warning was given by the other party?
A - Moo
“I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control.”
“I didn’t think the speed limit applied after midnight”
“I was on my way to see an unconscious patient who had convulsions and was blocked by a tanker.”
“Mr. X is in hospital and says I can use his car and take his wife while he is there. What shall I do about it?”
“No witnesses would admit having seen the mishap until after it happened.”
“I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk.”
“While proceeding through ‘Monkey Jungle’, the vehicle was enveloped by small fat brown grinning monkeys. Number three fat brown monkey (with buck teeth) proceeded to swing in an anticlockwise direction on the radio aerial. Repeated requests to desist were ignored. Approximately 2 minutes and 43 seconds later, small fat brown monkey disappeared in ‘Monkey Jungle’ clutching radio aerial.”
Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature?
A: Watch the Marty Caine Show and listen to Terry Wogan.
“First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car.”
“Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably voodoo.”
“The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again.”
“We had completed the turn and had just straightened the car when Miss X put her foot down hard and headed for the ladies’ loo.”
“I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in- law and headed over the embankment.”
“The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.”
“I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
“To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian.”
“My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.”
“I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.”